Dr Kelly Fleming

Oh, how much do I hate this phrase? I’ve heard it dozens of times and it feels like a knife cutting through me.

It is said by well-meaning abled people who just don’t understand how hurtful these words actually are to someone who is disabled.

When I moved into my second apartment, I had already received a good education but apparently I wasn’t finished since I just completed my 5th Doctorate this past month. My Dad chose a wall in one of my hallways and put up all my degrees. I didn’t really look at them but I know when my folks came by, they looked at that wall with pride.

One day, a friend was visiting and I saw those words “despite your disabilities” and as soon as she left, I started taking the degrees off my wall. I didn’t want to see them anymore. Those words spoken whilst she looked at that wall, ripped through me.

I’ve traveled. I’ve received a very good education with many degrees. I’ve been active in accessible sports. I have a life just like everyone else. People think this is inspiring. Wait… what? Don’t other people travel, get an education or play sports? What makes it so inspirational that I’ve done these “Despite my disabilities?”

Ah, but there is a reason this phrase is used. The people who say these things see my disabilities first and then (maybe) see me as a person.

How do I explain that I’m no different from them? Yes, I may need assistance to do certain things. The manner in which I have achieved these goals may be different than others who are abled. But, the simple fact that I’ve done the things in my life that I have are not despite my disabilities. They have nothing to do with being disabled.

I set my mind up to do something and I work hard to achieve them.

My degrees have never gone back on that wall since that day 4 years ago. I remember the look on my Dad’s face when he saw that I had taken them down. I cannot bring myself to put them back up and add my last one. I completed all my degrees because it was something important to me… for me. But those words are still raw inside me and I don’t want to put them back on the wall and have some other well-meaning person use those words again.

If I could say only one thing to people, it would be please don’t use the phrase despite my disabilities – please look at me as a person who has worked hard to achieve my goals in life.